Friendship as a Value

In my workshops, I challenge people to identify the things they value. The majority of the time, we're talking about professional values, so I hear things like excellence, autonomy, diversity, integrity, etc. However, working with Dr. Pam Love, motivational speaker and author of "I Want My Vagina Back!" (IWMVB) and recently speaking with Brother Bartell Keithley, Jr. about his "Booty Boycott" (BB), (yes, it's called the Booty Boycott), I have become interested in exploring the values people hold in high regard, for themselves, in relationships. In particular, I am curious if and at what point "friendship" shows up as a value.

In IWMVB, Dr. Love talks extensively about aligning your values and your choices, and Brother Bartell discusses getting back to valuing friendship within the context of a relationship; and keeping the intimacy at bay until a solid friendship is developed (with his end goal being marriage). While this seems so incredibly simple, it is not how the landscape looks on today's dating scene. I'm going to venture to say that what I'm talking about spans the Millineal and Gen X generations. It seems that, today, the physical attraction supersedes the value system. 

Physical attraction is a positive, given that it is much harder to start a relationship with someone that you're not physically attracted to. And I'm actually glad for it. God has just put some beautiful human sculptures here on earth and to Him I say "thank you". However, I am concerned that it sometimes blinds people from the realization that there the relationship is being built on it. The boy meets girl thing is is going from 0 to 60, in 30 seconds, these days. And, people are arriving at 60 with a person they don't actually know and/or sometimes even like.

Don't get me wrong, I am also not against physical or sexual attraction. It will serve both parties well, at the appropriate time. But until then, it can murky the waters when it goes unchecked by our values. When sex shows up, the craziest things get swept under the carpet, dismissed, explained away and tolerated. These are things that don't promote a general caring about the other person, but a pursuit of something more shallow. Men may tolerate the crazy jealous women who break things, tap into voice mail, check their email, and more. Women may tolerate, cheating, no shows, dismissal of dates they've expressed as important, having no one checking for their well being and more.

I'm suggesting that having a genuine desire to know what the person you're getting to know is connected to, cares about, hates, loves, does for fun and supports is somewhat important whether you're going to keep it casual or interested in the long haul. A want to know their source of pain, insecurity and what makes them feel most loved. A want to know if their mother feels better from the sickness she had last week and if they enjoy what they do for a living. A want to know how they process pain, what brings them joy and how they handle tough situations. A want to know what kind of character they have and what they stand for in life. A want to know if they enjoy action flicks or romantic movies. A want to know how authentically they are living. And, mostly want to know why, beyond the physical attraction, in what way and how they want to be connected to you.

Some will suggest that this is too much information, as they are not looking for anything that serious. I don't believe that the relationship has to be headed towards anything super serious to begin to learn about the person you're connected to. As a matter of fact, I think the expectations of what this relationship might turn into should be checked at the door. Part of the problem with the beginnings is that assumptions about the future are made without enough information of what the future might entail Hence, getting to know what you might be getting yourself into by becoming friends.

I have friends in all types relationships statuses. Some are married, with boyfriend, divorced, looking and single by choice. I've observed a few of my friends during their dating process. There are some who just pop up with a man. I can speak with them one week and the next week, they have a new bo. It always begs the question, "where did he come from?" The stories are similar, they met at a club, party, get together, online or some other place and there was an amazing attraction. Once upon a time I would simply give her the "go girl" and a high five. However, as I watch the journey of these relationships, I can't help but to think something's missing. It turns out that usually there is. It is the fundamental foundational elements I mentioned above. The who? what? and why?

I don't think every relationship has to be deep; however, I've yet to meet a woman who actually doesn't care how or if a man cares for her. I have met women who tolerate how men treat them because of insecurities, not wanting a commitment, having a warm body, sex and/or the fear of being alone. 

Here's the thing. After the initial comments like "you're so beautiful", "hey sexy", "I would love to see you again", "how can I get in touch with you?", etc., there are some basic ways I think we could continue the process in another way. Call me unrealistic, but I believe we could start to do this thing a little differently. And, I believe the net result would be more meaningful relationships and healthier people. Not all of them will have the same level of depth or blossom into the same time of relationships. However, I am confident that they will cause us to leave people in a better condition than when we first encountered them, just because we took a moment to have an authentic experience. We could begin to treat people like friends and see how far we would get.

I'm sure my own recent encounters prompted my exploration of this subject. It has caused me to evaluate my own experiences and to understand the "why" behind my encounters. I'm not suggesting that anyone change their process, if they are living authentically, happily and fulfilled. My point is only for those who are having less than successful attempts at this human experience, as it relates to potential romantic encounters. Again, I'm also acknowledging that success does not always have to mean a deep and long term relationship each and every time. I  believe Brother Bartell would disagree :)

Many believe that men don't care about this authentic experience. They believe that their make up only allows for a one track mind; that at the end of the day sex is the goal. In addition, many believe that men will take the quickest route to get there. And if it is an easy path that doesn't require much work, so be it. However, depending on how desirable they find the woman, they may work really hard to get there. It is up to each person to understand their value system and what will be necessary to move forward in an regard.

I know not every man is the same and I know quite a few who are solid and caring human beings with more to them than the journey to the end goal (although I do recognize that as a part of the hope. . .for both parties :))

Identifying and living according to your values is the first step to ending up in a healthy place. Might it just be possible that we're living in the "land of make believe" when we don't consider that friendship is a value to be considered?

Just thinking out loud.

Live true.

The Agenda

Agenda: things to be done, matters to be acted, a list. We are taught, at least in this country, to have one. What do you want to get done? How are you going to do it? And most importantly, who is going to help you to accomplish it? All great questions.


While I am a HUGE advocate, fan, and participator in networking, connecting and gathering; I am also a lover of people. I want to know their stories, passions, what makes them tick, how they get through hard times, what makes them laugh, and most importantly, how can I help? Well, I have learned, primarily in these last few years of life, that not everyone wants to help; some just want to have. It was a bit of a rude awakening (I know, I know, I was naive. . .I accept it!).


After getting the hint, I initially became very guarded with my information, connections, sharing, etc. However, it just made me feel a bit paranoid and not feel like me. So, I went back to my old ways of getting to know people for who they are. Now, I am NOT saying that I never think, when I hear someone mention something that I'm interested in, that people I meet can't help me in my journey. What I am saying, is that I believe you should get to know people for who they are and let the connections flow naturally.


Under this system, will some take and never give? Absolutely. Will you get back something every time you give? Nope. However, you will, most certainly reap the rewards. Some call it karma, reaping what you sow, what comes around, goes around and all the other sayings in between. What I'm saying, essentially is that I believe in getting to know people and I believe in serving first. It has proven to be a good method...and not just for me. Feel free to ask around.


Okay, so onto those who always walk around with an agenda. I've had very prosperous times in life and some not so prosperous. In the times where I was visible and appearing to have some prosperity, there were certain people who were always sure to call, check in, say hello if they saw me out, so on and so on. However, during the transition years (code for the really challenging times), I was off of the the "agenda". No calls came in and while they spoke when they saw me, there certainly were no offers for lunch, dinner, coffee or drinks. It was a little comical to me because one thing I know for sure is that the one thing that is constant is change. Any moment in your life is just that. . .a moment. AND by the way, the majority of us are just a situation away from hard times. It is by the grace of GOD (for my believers), hard work, right place & right time, etc. that you're not going through it (but then some of you reading this are going through right now - REMEMBER, it's just a moment in time.

Don't live in the Land of Make Believe thinking that because you have it all buttoned up today, that those buttons won't come popping off like the cork off of a shaken champagne bottle. Consider yourself blessed (as I totally do) if times are good. Hold on until the next moment if you are in a difficult stretch.

The "Haves"

They are the ones you look at and admire through your own personal success lens. Depending on who you are, they may be single, travel the world, run a company and good looking. They may be married with 2.5 kids, colonial style house with the white picket fence, a Tahoe and a dog. They may be an entertainer with the looks of Aphrodite or Adonis, great body and lots of the material possessions. They may be a famous athlete at the top of their game with the respect and adoration of a nation. No matter who they are, you're looking and sometimes wondering why your life can't look like theirs; why you can't "have" what they "have.

Well, here's the thing. First, very rarely are things what they seem. Secondly, even when they are, it is senseless to set your sights on the lives of others. You have NO idea what the sacrifices were they made to get there or even if they are happy. The more time I spend on the entertainment scene, the more I see how much of a set up it is for the average joe. They are creating an image for us, because we've told them through ratings, twitter, facebook, etc. that we want this. The problem is that many of us believe exactly what we see.

Take a minute to come out of the Land of Make Believe, define your own goals for your own life. Trust me that what you see is not necessarily what you want from other's lives. There may components of it that you want. Incorporate those aspects into your journey, know the consequences that come with the dream and move out!

Those who truly "have it all" have worked for it. To be clear, because it's my definition, having it all means fulfillment, purpose, resources, good relationships, work they enjoy, purpose, etc. If your definition is narrow and only includes monetary gain, then certainly you will always look at others who have it as the ones to emulate. Be careful.

Live your truth!

Peek-A-Boo

Peek-a-boo, I see you! That is the message from your subconcious mind letting your concious mind know that it knows the truth. There are times when we tell ourselves untruths to get through things, behave badly when we know we shouldn't or simply make a bad choice. Our concious mind rationalizes the thoughts or behavior. We say ""It's okay because. . .(you fill in the blank)".

Here's the thing. . . the subconcious (and I know you hear it), knows when you are not in line with your authentic self. When the inner spirit yells peek-a-boo too loudly, we sometimes take refuge in staying busy, medication, drinking excessively, or acting out in some other unhealthy fashion that will quiet the subconcious and let us live happily in the Land of Make Believe. It is the ultimate struggle between self and situation. We all go through it in some form or fashion.

It is not anything that we should deny or be ashamed of, but rather something to recognize in the moment. There will certainly be times when you need to stay in the Land of Make Believe until the dust settles and you can face things head on. Sometimes it is helpful to live there on one truth so that you can face the another one. For example, you are very unhappy in your job (you live in LOMB saying that you are happy) and you have a lot debt (this is where you're going to face things head on).

In these moments, the decision is weighted more heavily on the situation and its outcome, rather than being true to your authentic self; for fear of what it might look like. In the short run it may work, people may buy it, but your subconscious definitely won't.

Ultimately, the goal is honesty with yourself; when you conscious and subconscious minds are in sync.

Live authentically,

Monica

What to do with "IT"

As difficult as facing the truth may be, I believe that it is a necessary step to a healthy and fulfilled life. The Land of Make Believe is a safe place, and also a place that crumbles over time. I must admit, people are extremely creative in finding ways to keep the Land in tact. They stay busy, self reflect NEVER, they take prozac, paxil and other medications to stay (I do recognize that some people need these medications for real reasons that are caused by chemical inbalances. . not talking to you). They will not go without a fight. Why?

What would happen if you realized that what you wanted to believe wasn't actually the truth. You've gained weight, your spouse hasn't been interested, you do hate your job, you don't want to major in pre-law, you are broke (for now)? All of these are moments in time. They don't have to remain, but even if they do. So what? Are you less of a giving, kind, ambitious, intellectual, saavy individual? Of course not.

Now, what I think it means, is that there is room for communication; with yourself and others in the situation. If you are in a relationship where the connectivity has faded or is non-existant; I say TALK ABOUT IT! What happened? How did we get here? What would help? It will be tough, but on the otherside is understanding, truth and the ability to make your choices with all of the information.

If you are in a job that you hate; what does that mean? More communication; with yourself, your mentors, your friends and (dare I even say it), with someon in your company. I'm not suggesting you run right in to your bossess office and confess that you hate your job and can't wait to get out. However, you can begin discussions (after understanding a bit more about yourself, what you want out of your life, job, etc. and having fully thought it through) with key people that will help you to get out of the Land of Make Believe. Sometimes, we stay because of money, presitge, what other people think, etc. Whose life is this any way? Still love Will Smith's quote about spending money to buy things you can't afford, to impress people you don't even like. . . .and I would add and who could care less in the long run about what you're up to.

We'll be continuing our discussions on Truth and Authenticity. For now, go the "IT" that you have in the Land of Make Believe where you reside and begin with some self reflection on the matter. Be honest with yourself; not just about how you feel (because feelings come and go), but what causes you to feel that way. Emotions and feelilngs are not always a cause for immediate action. We must understand why.

Until next time. . .