tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27301122149985774322024-02-20T02:19:27.310-08:00Out of Living in the Land of Make BelieveA refreshing blog for people who want to live authenticallyMonica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-28069917545845901022014-07-18T08:56:00.001-07:002014-07-18T08:56:52.816-07:00Live Outside of the BoxSo many times we are guided down a path that we didn't necessarily choose, only to find ourselves lost in our journey. It's not age the brings wisdom, rather understanding. We must let the children choose their authentic path. They know the way. We must provide the support and a hand to help them back up when they fall.<br /><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/DsMOp2FMInA" width="480"></iframe>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-81362426537518875012011-10-15T15:06:00.000-07:002011-10-15T19:22:44.706-07:00Friendship as a Value<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">In my workshops, I challenge people to identify the things they value. The majority of the time, we're talking about professional values, so I hear things like excellence, autonomy, diversity, integrity, etc. However, working with Dr. Pam Love, motivational speaker and author of "I Want My Vagina Back!" (IWMVB) and recently speaking with Brother Bartell Keithley, Jr. about his "Booty Boycott" (BB), (yes, it's called the Booty Boycott), I have become interested in exploring the values people hold in high regard, for themselves, in relationships. In particular, I am curious if and at what point "friendship" shows up as a value.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">In IWMVB, Dr. Love talks extensively about aligning your values and your choices, and Brother Bartell discusses getting back to valuing friendship within the context of a relationship; and keeping the intimacy at bay until a solid friendship is developed (with his end goal being marriage). While this seems so incredibly simple, it is not how the landscape looks on today's dating scene. I'm going to venture to say that what I'm talking about spans the Millineal and Gen X generations. It seems that, today, the physical attraction supersedes the value system. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">Physical attraction is a positive, given that it is much harder to start a relationship with someone that you're not physically attracted to. And I'm actually glad for it. God has just put some beautiful human sculptures here on earth and to Him I say "thank you". However, I am concerned that it sometimes blinds people from the realization that there the relationship is being built on it. The boy meets girl thing is is going from 0 to 60, in 30 seconds, these days. And, people are arriving at 60 with a person they don't actually know and/or sometimes even like.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">Don't get me wrong, I am also not against physical or sexual attraction. It will serve both parties well, at the appropriate time. But until then, it can murky the waters when it goes unchecked by our values. When sex shows up, the craziest things get swept under the carpet, dismissed, explained away and tolerated. These are things that don't promote a general caring about the other person, but a pursuit of something more shallow. Men may tolerate the crazy jealous women who break things, tap into voice mail, check their email, and more. Women may tolerate, cheating, no shows, dismissal of dates they've expressed as important, having no one checking for their well being and more.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">I'm suggesting that having a genuine desire to know what the person you're getting to know is connected to, cares about, hates, loves, does for fun and supports is somewhat important whether you're going to keep it casual or interested in the long haul. A want to know their source of pain, insecurity and what makes them feel most loved. A want to know if their mother feels better from the sickness she had last week and if they enjoy what they do for a living. A want to know how they process pain, what brings them joy and how they handle tough situations. A want to know what kind of character they have and what they stand for in life. A want to know if they enjoy action flicks or romantic movies. A want to know how authentically they are living. And, mostly want to know why, beyond the physical attraction, in what way and how they want to be connected to you.<br />
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Some will suggest that this is too much information, as they are not looking for anything that serious. I don't believe that the relationship has to be headed towards anything super serious to begin to learn about the person you're connected to. As a matter of fact, I think the expectations of what this relationship might turn into should be checked at the door. Part of the problem with the beginnings is that assumptions about the future are made without enough information of what the future might entail Hence, getting to know what you might be getting yourself into by becoming friends.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">I have friends in all types relationships statuses. Some are married, with boyfriend, divorced, looking and single by choice. I've observed a few of my friends during their dating process. There are some who just pop up with a man. I can speak with them one week and the next week, they have a new bo. It always begs the question, "where did he come from?" The stories are similar, they met at a club, party, get together, online or some other place and there was an amazing attraction. Once upon a time I would simply give her the "go girl" and a high five. However, as I watch the journey of these relationships, I can't help but to think something's missing. It turns out that usually there is. It is the fundamental foundational elements I mentioned above. The who? what? and why?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">I don't think every relationship has to be deep; however, I've yet to meet a woman who actually doesn't care how or if a man cares for her. I have met women who tolerate how men treat them because of insecurities, not wanting a commitment, having a warm body, sex and/or the fear of being alone. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">Here's the thing. After the initial comments like "you're so beautiful", "hey sexy", "I would love to see you again", "how can I get in touch with you?", etc., there are some basic ways I think we could continue the process in another way. Call me unrealistic, but I believe we could start to do this thing a little differently. And, I believe the net result would be more meaningful relationships and healthier people. Not all of them will have the same level of depth or blossom into the same time of relationships. However, I am confident that they will cause us to leave people in a better condition than when we first encountered them, just because we took a moment to have an authentic experience. We could begin to treat people like friends and see how far we would get.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">I'm sure my own recent encounters prompted my exploration of this subject. It has caused me to evaluate my own experiences and to understand the "why" behind my encounters. I'm not suggesting that anyone change their process, if they are living authentically, happily and fulfilled. My point is only for those who are having less than successful attempts at this human experience, as it relates to potential romantic encounters. Again, I'm also acknowledging that success does not always have to mean a deep and long term relationship each and every time. I believe Brother Bartell would disagree :)</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">Many believe that men don't care about this authentic experience. They believe that their make up only allows for a one track mind; that at the end of the day sex is the goal. In addition, many believe that men will take the quickest route to get there. And if it is an easy path that doesn't require much work, so be it. However, depending on how desirable they find the woman, they may work really hard to get there. It is up to each person to understand their value system and what will be necessary to move forward in an regard.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">I know not every man is the same and I know quite a few who are solid and caring human beings with more to them than the journey to the end goal (although I do recognize that as a part of the hope. . .for both parties :))</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">Identifying and living according to your values is the first step to ending up in a healthy place. Might it just be possible that we're living in the "land of make believe" when we don't consider that friendship is a value to be considered?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">Just thinking out loud.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;">Live true.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-19426028759994537422011-04-21T22:33:00.000-07:002011-04-21T22:33:27.329-07:00If You Dish It, Then Take It<div style="text-align: justify;">"Doesn't Sherry look like she's gained weight?" "Wow, Steven isn't aging well." "That's interesting, Diane drives a Honda. For some reason, I always thought she had money." "Do you think Tina had work?" "Oh, he went to ABC College? I thought he was smart." "He's a janitor. He seemed so much smarter."</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Okay, so I am in no way saying that I've never made a comment about anyone. . .ever. Let's start there. However, I have, through various experiences in my life, realized that wasting time noticing things about other people is kinda pointless. And that sometimes we have to leave our shallow observations and perceptions at the door, and work on ourselves. After we assess the situation in our heads and then make the judgement, we may want to ask ourselves more questions; like, what if Sherry has a thyroid problem? or what if Steven is going through a rough time in life? or what if Diane experienced a financial crisis and now believes that she doesn't need to spend money for show? or what if Tina just has great genes?</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Now whether or not Sherry has a thyroid problem does not negate the fact that she's gained weight; however I'm hoping that we might begin to have a little more sensitivity to what people are going through AND think "who cares?" so we can take a look inward. And, my hope is that we don't take the liberty to post it or Tweet it. Why? Because, when the tables are turned, we know how awful it feels to be on the firing line. But if you can dish it, you should be able to take it. Can you? Do you regularly make mention of people's flaws, shortcomings, and mistakes? Would you feel comfortable with people making mention of yours? What is your point for bringing it up in the first place?</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I'm not suggesting that we should never communicate about tough issues. If you're a husband whose wife has gained a lot of weight and it has left you physically unattracted to her, you should find a way to say it. . .TO HER ONLY. If you have a friend who looks like they are aging and stressed, certainly ask if they are okay. You don't have to mention that they look old. Except for the instances where you are trying to help, I'm a little confused about what the point is of mentioning people's flaws. Okay, so I'm not really confused. Somewhere I know, although I don't want to, that people mention it, tweet it and post it because it makes them feel better about themselves.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">If someone takes notice, out loud, about the one ounce of fat on Beyonce that they didn't notice before, it could be because it somehow makes them feel better about the 20 ounces they have on them. Guess what? Whether it is make up, special effects or Beyonce's hardcore gym workouts, they still have 20 ounces of fat that makes them unhappy. Fix it and stop wasting time looking at her. If someone notices, out loud, why people are the way they are, it could be because the person doesn't fit into their "normal" category. Guess what? That's the point of living YOUR truth. It's unique to you and should not fit into the "normal" category. Work out your own gift.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">If people are going to sit around talking about all the things that people are or aren't, then after the session is done, I encourage them to turn the mirror around and take a look. Once you start working on your own "issues", it gives you much less time to focus on other people's.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">If you dish it, please make sure you can take it.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Live compassion. Live true!</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-44491710140574301292011-04-11T21:53:00.000-07:002011-04-11T21:53:01.313-07:00I Used to Think. . .<div style="text-align: justify;">I used to think that things would only happen to people, if they did something to deserve it. Now I know that sometimes things just happen and all that counts is how you respond to the hand you're dealt.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I used to think that my list of "I would nevers" were forever. I now know that the more you live, the more you learn that under certain circumstances, there are many things you might do that you would have never. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I used to think that I was a terrible writer because it took me longer than my classmates to pull my thoughts together. Now I know that my effective effort determines how well I write and increases the quality of my writing regularly. Sa-weet! Because I love writing.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I used to think that the title of and money made doing my job was more important than the enjoyment. I now realize that life is short and my fulfillment has NOTHING to do with my title or money made; and that it has everything to do with why and how I'm making a living.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I used to think I had to do what was "normal" and expected of me from others. Now I know that I'm not "normal". I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the uniqueness that God planned and my journey is my own.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I used to think that if I kept my long hair that (then) boys would find me more attractive. I now know that my attitude, character, heart and style makes me more attractive than hair, jewelry, or being scantily clad could ever. And. . .not to mention, looks fade. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I used to think that I had to go the road alone, carry the whole load, and prove to everyone that I didn't need anyone. Now I know that it is in our relationships that we often find the comfort, love and encouragement we want. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I used to think that if I trusted people with my emotions that they would think I was weak. Now I know that my strength is in my ability to confront my emotions and process them, as necessary; no matter if anyone knows about them or not.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I used to think. . .now I'm trying to feel.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-3104498712917577162011-03-04T12:46:00.000-08:002011-03-04T12:46:30.207-08:00The Guaranteed Formula for Success<div style="text-align: justify;">Okay, there really is no such thing *me smiling*. Despite what society tells you it looks like, the number of books that are written and motivational speeches you listen to, there is no "one" formula for success. You could make a bunch of money and feel unfulfilled. You could make CEO and hate your life. You could own your own business and have a lesser quality of life than before. You could be married with 2.5 children and still be lonely. You could have built a great reputation and not have the resources you need to live.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Here's the thing, the appearance of of actual possession of money, world travel, expensive cars, big houses, pricey jewelry and access to your every desire has been established as the outwardly sign of success. I won't argue that there are people with all of the above who have truly found "it"; however it's defined by them. That's not my point. My point it is VERY easy to look around and think you're not achieving success. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b>Which is a more successful situation?</b></div><div style="text-align: justify;">A. You make $500,000, work 70 hours per week (including weekends), go on vacation for 2 weeks with your family every year.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">OR</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">B. You make $100,000, work 45 hours per week (every once in a while on a weekend) on a flexible schedule, spend quality time with your family throughout the week.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">ANSWER: It depends on what your definition of success is.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Now, that being said, there is a formula for YOUR success. Since people seem to like step-by-steps, here it goes:</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b>Step 1</b>: <b>DREAM.</b> Find some quiet time away from your daily routine (about an hour). Spend the first 1/2 hour sitting in complete silence with your eyes closed, dream. Dream about what you want your life to look like. Include family time, how you want to wake up in the morning, where you want to wake up, places you might like to travel (if at all), environment you want to work in (I.e. people oriented, task focused, problem solving, routine focused, autonomy, flexible schedule, etc.), options you want your money to provide, who you want to help in your journey, hobbies, things you want to learn, things you want to do, who are you are (confident, serving, well spoken, kind, helpful, respectable, etc.). Anything you can think of having to do with your life. Dream it!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b>Step 2: RECORD.</b> Spend the second half our writing down what you just learned and categorize it into work, family, you, spiritual, and any other relevant categories. If you have time, write it or type it neatly, so you can revisit it. If not be sure to make this a priority. It's a critical next step. Record it!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b>Step 3: ESTABLISH. </b>Create a method for ensuring that you live your truth as you just defined it, so that each day's tasks & thoughts contribute towards what you've decided your success is. This could include a daily affirmation, not reading too many magazines that suggest a different life for you, releasing some of the people in your life who are "dream drowners", STOP defending your choices (this is YOUR success plan). Establish it!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b>Step 4: ACTUALIZE.</b> Take action on something! Begin to knock out your list. If you need a certain amount of money to live the life you want, strategize and execute how you're going to make it. Don't assume you need a lot. If you want to be sure that you spend quality with your family, then work on getting to an environment that allows you the flexibility to do so. If part of your success is have a CEO title, then ensure that you are on a path and have a plan to get there (use mentors). Actualize it!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><b>Step 5: MONITOR.</b> Check in frequently to see how your doing. This takes place in several ways. When you find yourself being envious or feeling like you aren't doing enough, check in. See if your feelings are related to your own inaction or if you are falling into the Land of Make Believe of living someone else's life. Remind yourself that everything that shines is not gold. Stop envying and sulking. Start dreaming, executing and succeeding. Monitor it!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Well, look at that I'm asking you to D.R.E.A.M. on your terms. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">It doesn't matter who you are or what you're trying to do, you can get there. The only difference between you and anyone else is experience, opportunity, execution and choices. Whether you're at the top, middle or bottom of the rung, you can decide to create your formula and Live Your Truth.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Begin.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Yours in truth,</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Monica </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-73659675474240026712011-02-12T06:18:00.000-08:002011-02-12T06:18:56.974-08:00Your Norm vs. My Truth<div style="text-align: justify;">As I was having dinner with a friend the other night and talking about various things, I realized (or maybe just crystalized) a huge problem that we're having in this society. It is the norm vs. the truth. What do I mean by that? Well, there are societal norms that have been established like (for my Christian folks, stay with me. I know there are absolutely those established by the word of God. I'm posting on the fleshly things today :)), you're supposed to be a good test taker if you're smart - if you aren't out of pampers by the age of 3 then somethings wrong - a woman should want to be married - men should want to always have sex - the faster you learn the smarter you are - the bigger and better your house and car is the more successful you must be - if your husband or wife doesn't beat you, comes home every night and stays gainfully employed, you should be perfectly happy - women who are single for long periods of time must be gay or thoroughly damaged - if someone asks you how you are doing, you're supposed to say "good". Why? because nobody likes a complainer. I really could go on and on.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Now, I am a fan of standards, lest we be a society filled with complete chaos, laziness and underachievers. How will you know what you're getting if you don't know what to expect. Here is where the ugly "C" word comes into play (not the disease, but the other taboo word). . . .COMMUNICATION. You should only expect what people say they can give. For instance, if a print shop says that they will get you your wedding invitations on Friday no later than 3:00pm error free, then you should be able to show up at 3:05 and expect to pick them up in such a condition. If a guy tells a woman that he is not looking for anything serious right now and wants to date, then a woman should not then set her eyes on him thinking that she'll be the one to tame the wild bachelor. Lastly, if the school district expects children to know AB&C prior to graduating to compete in this global economy, then parents should make every effort to make sure that happens and not blame the school when their children don't succeed.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">This Norm vs. Truth applies in so many areas, I could write a book. Hey, there's an idea! I'm on it. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">The societal norms are established and released into the atmosphere. Then we breathe it in daily through all kinds of mediums, including family members, friends and coworkers. That leaves us in a place to call lots of things and people "weird" when they don't fit it. The funny thing is that, I believe, most people don't fit within the societal norms. They conform to them, so as not to be thought of as "weird". Why? Because no matter what, people want to be liked and accepted. I'm not a fan of crazy people, but I definitely dig weird ones. Why? Because somewhere they are trying to live their truth. It may not be coming across in the right manner always and sometimes they go to the extreme out of a rebellion against the norm, but I understand their plight.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Living Your Truth is not an easy task. We don't encourage it which forces people to make a decision very early in life on whether they stand in truth or in The Land of Make Believe. You begin early saying that you want to grow up and be a doctor or a lawyer, when you actually don't know what it takes to be one or even if you would enjoy it in the least bit (side note: I have so many friends who "used" to be lawyers). You find yourself feeling pressure to try a cigarette or make fun of the chubby kid to wear certain styles of clothing whether they are to your liking or not. By the way, chubby kids are quickly becoming the norm, so you skinny kids better watch out :). Sometimes Living Your Truth is knowing that you are participating in the Land of Make Believe, but eyes wide open. . .not pretending.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">As I mentioned previously, Living Your Truth is not an easy walk, but I would argue a fulfilling one. It's the closest thing to freedom I've ever experienced.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Thank you for reading my rant. I pray a life of happiness and fulfillment in your truth.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I would love to hear any Living Your Truth Experiences that you care to share.</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-58139491868980477382011-02-07T21:30:00.000-08:002011-02-09T18:43:06.405-08:00Love vs. Fear<div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Love is a funny thing. The feeling can be described in so many different ways. It's a noun and a verb. You can be open to it, guard yourself from it, let it devastate you, act out of character because of it, feel broken when it is no longer or simply experience it when it is present. Sometimes we mistake it for fear.</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; min-height: 14px; text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">While my past "daddy issues" kept me on the run from the love of others for so many years, I've always felt God's love for me. And, I am now recently overwhelmed by all the ways I've come to experience it. Of course, I've loved, and continue to love, people from my mother, my sister, friends, children, and yes even my ex husband for the amazing, present and participatory father that he is. However I had not allowed myself to truly receive it from sources other than God and family. </span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; min-height: 14px; text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span> </div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Someone wrote something on Facebook the other day that basically said you shouldn't love someone for a reason, because that reason may go away, then what will you do; you should love them. I thought to myself, "how true". However, on the one hand, I have a fundamental and basic love for most people. It is a love that comes from the understanding that we're all spirits in this human experience together. It allows me to meet people where they are and to let go of any expectations (except that they won't physically harm me or my family) around what they can and can't provide to me. It helps me to see the foundation from which they draw from and why.</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I even have a really healthy and unconditional love for myself. With all of my flaws, goof ups, silliness and mistakes, I dig this chick (smile). I believe that I am worthy of love from me and from others, though they may not choose to give it to me. No worries here. I have enough for me to compensate for anyone who decides to withhold it. LOL! </span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Something interesting I'm learning is that many people are lacking the love of self and searching for it elsewhere. They are awaiting their knight in shining armor to bestow the love upon them that has eluded them for so long. It may be in the form of a baby, a lover (or many of them), a husband, a friend, a group, family, etc. The obvious problem with this is that you are now leaving the opportunity to experience love in the hands of someone that you have absolutely NO control over. If this is your only source then what happens when it's gone?</span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px; text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Sometimes we do things out of fear and call it love. People who manipulate others while in a relationship may believe they are doing this because they love the person, when actually they simply fear losing them. A parent may talk their child into going to college nearby because they "love" them and want to protect them, when they are actually fearful of not having them close to them. Someone may accept bad treatment from someone, stating "I know they love me" when really it is the fear of being alone that helps them to rationalize it.<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px; text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">There is a magnificent power in love. When we act from this place, it helps us not to be jealous, to spread gossip, withhold information, manipulate people, lie, or wish anything but the best for them even when the best may not include us. You are whole and enough in your own right.<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px; text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">There is a debilitating power in fear. It keeps us on the defensive, always protecting our territory and working against the very purpose we were placed here to accomplish. Fear keeps us pretending things are okay when they're not, looking for love in all the wrong places, sticking it out when we should go (from a job, relationship or bad habit) and other anti love acts.<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px; text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">You know you're acting out of love when you can let go to the connection of the end result. For instance, you give someone a suggestion that will help them regardless of whether you get recognition or payment, when you make a tough decision to cut off a relationship that is harmful to your spirit, when you're honest with someone even though it will make you uncomfortable, etc.</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px; text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In what areas of your life might you be acting out of fear being disguised as love? How might your life change if you made all of your decisions from a place of love? Can you think of any time when acting out of fear is healthy?</span></div><div style="font: 12.0px Helvetica; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 12.0px 0.0px; min-height: 14.0px; text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Love lives in the Land of Authenticity and Truth. Fear hides out in the Land of Make Believe.</span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-56641554567810352822011-01-01T22:02:00.000-08:002011-01-01T22:05:09.798-08:00She changed. He stayed the same. Who is Living in the Land of Make Believe?<div style="text-align: justify;">Tennis. Comedy. Skiing. Driving along the countryside. Watching football. Community service. They both enjoyed all of these things in the beginning. She is extroverted. He is introverted. They're both on board. His family is nuts! Her family is pretentious. Both still on board. She talks to her girlfriends constantly. He deals. He dresses like a pauper. No worries. She can fix it, right? She doesn't like to cook. He can deal. He spends too much time with his friends. No worries. She can fix it, right?</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">A friend of mine and I were talking about relationships. He said that generally women change and want men to do the same and men stay the same and want women not to change. Hmm, I thought. I think that's right. If a woman enjoys watching football, hanging out at home every Friday night, and cooking dinner, a man expects that these things will remain throughout the relationship. Whatever the woman is like when he decides that he wants the her to be his partner, he's good with it.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">On the other hand, women like certain aspects of the man they are partnering with and everything else she can change later. . .or so she believes. If she's a reader and he's not, she may go along with it in the beginning believing that she can persuade him to read at some point (This is an example and I am in no way suggesting that men don't read. I know plenty of men who do.) His clothing, language, and certain aspects of his behavior are all eligible for future tweaking. Keep in mind that the woman believes any changes she suggests will make him a better man and that he should be open to them. I once read that women marry the potential of a man. Truth?</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">As I conversed with an older woman some time ago, who had been married for over 20 years, she said that women need to ask themselves, "if he never changed another thing, could I be with him for the rest of my life". Now obviously as we mature, we find out things about ourselves; things that we like and things that we don't like. It makes sense that we would always be evolving, however as the evolution occurs, how do we continue to meet our partners where they are?</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">How many times have you stopped or started doing something that you felt was healthy for you and then come across someone who is not doing or doing that thing? Despite your follow up reaction, your first reaction is probably "I can't believe they haven't changed". Now you may have developed to a point where you don't judge it, but the thought usually comes.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">In the beginning we sometimes live in the land of make believe when we think that we've considered all things to move forward in the relationship long term. The man believes that the woman of their dreams will remain the same. The woman believes that any adjustments realized, now or later, can be made. Since they both trust each other, why wouldn't he accept any advice from her; especially since it will make him "better".</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Please know that I recognize that this does not apply to all relationships. However, there are enough circumstances that I've come across to talk about it. So, what's the answer? I believe that women have to take an honest look at the man you are considering is necessary. Come out of the Land of Make Believe into the Land of Authenticity and Truth and ask yourself "if he never changed another thing, no matter how you may change, can I meet him right where he is? And I believe men have to pay attention to the initial "love critiques". This may give you some insight into what changes may come in the future, both for her and those suggested for him. Also, understand that whatever changes come in the future are most likely a result of her wanting to grow. Whether it comes from reading a book, her girlfriends, a seminar, work, etc., she believes it will enhance her life.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Communicate, communicate, communicate. Women, when you change and he mentions it, don't get defensive or lecture him about how he needs to change also. Instead, understand that he thought you would stay the same and that is more comfortable for him. Don't judge. Share. Men, when she wants to "help" you change, understand that she believes that she is helping. Don't be offended. Communicate.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">She changed. He stayed the same. Who is living in the land of make believe?</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-48334229278371889752010-12-08T13:52:00.000-08:002010-12-08T13:52:30.049-08:00Deliberately Happy<div style="text-align: justify;">A very good friend of mine and I were talking recently and the concept of being "deliberately happy" came up. We both agreed that it is the way to go. I can't remember my mother, or any adult for that matter talking with me about what it would take for me to be happy. I have heard "well, if it makes you happy then. . .", many times, but that's not what I'm talking about. That is just giving me surface permission to do something that I've presented. I would venture to say that those words usually come when you've taken a situation to someone for approval when you aren't completely sure about the decision. For instance, you haven't paid your credit card bill and there is a pair of shoes for $250 that would be perfect with the outfit you have planned for this weekend. You go to several people and none, one, some or all of them say "well, if it makes you happy, then get them". Or, they may also try to help you logically think through why you shouldn't get them; however if you're anything like I was, you have a pretty solid case on why you should and really all that's left to do is approve.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">There are a variety of situations where we believe that something or someone will make us happy, but we haven't thought much about why. It took me a long time to understand how to be deliberately happy. Before I was just stumbling upon it through God's grace. I've mentioned in past blogs that I majored in Finance because I was good at math, but I didn't think about what my life would look like in a Finance position. I would be mostly tied to a desk, at a computer, working with numbers, producing reports and tied back to the desk. Well, that may work for those whose happy meter goes up when they are focused on one thing for long periods of time, and enjoys being along mostly while working. It did not completely work for me. I found that the times I could be with people, create strategies and give presentations, was when I was happiest in my work life. I must admit that earlier in my professional life the experiences that the paycheck from these jobs afforded me, made me feel happy. These experiences made me forget about how much I didn't like the environment I worked in, until I was back in it. Ultimately, I was compromising my true happiness for the money. Over time, I became very unhappy.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">At some point, I took inventory of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. I boiled it all down to fulfillment. Sound selfish? Maybe, but guess what? When I'm happy and fulfilled, I'm a better servant, mother, friend, companion, and business owner. That sounds like a win win. I wrote down all of the elements of my life that did or would make me happy. They included things like meeting new people, problem solving, teaching others, sharing, helping people to move beyond wherever they are, strategizing regularly, presenting, traveling, having authentic and meaningful relationships, memorable experiences, variety and flexibility. Ahhhhhh. Boy did it feel good to name them.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Now, I have to add a disclaimer that when you've not expressed what makes you happy in the past or lived it, you may meet with some resistance from those who are so locked in the depths of conformity that they are going to think you left the ranch, went coo coo, gone loco, if you know what I mean. This is normal. They can't fathom it and don't spend your time trying to help them see it. This is when you'll have to begin to spend your time with people who see your vision for your life and can support it. They know what it means to be deliberately happy because they are or at a minimum, they have a true desire to be at some point.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">After I figured out what would make me happy, I had to go a step further and ask myself why? The reason is that you can still get caught up in the suggested elements of happiness. These are things like jewelry, cars, houses, shoes, clothes, a particular education, a certain lifestyle, etc. This is not to say that these things should not be on your "deliberately happy" list. Just make sure you dig into the why. If your happy elements include things that can be easily taken from you, what does that mean when they longer exist. When I was in my teens to late twenties (so not that long ago :)), I had all kinds of designer clothing, shoes, cars, jewelry, etc. on my list and then I lost them several times over. They say that the third time is a charm, and it was. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I first lost much of my "you fancy, huh?" clothes in a fire while visiting friends at Hampton University. Then again (having replaced much of it and more) when I went to New York to visit my sister and see Kiss of the Spider Woman, then head off to the Congressional Black Caucus in DC, everything was stolen out of my trunk. It was very sobering. I went to the Broadway play in jeans and sneakers. Luckily my mother did teach me very good coping skills, so I shook it off and had a great weekend (returned to being pissed off at a later date to process the emotion :)). Lastly, my mothers house was broken into and again. . . .they took my clothes, purses, jewelry, camera, etc.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Ah ha!!! (yes that's the light bulb coming on). I got it. These predictors of my happiness were false indicators. I felt the need to replace them so quickly because I thought they made me "happy", and when they were gone I was not. Hmmmm. Being the control freak that I am, I didn't like this one bit. Things controlling my emotions, deciding my happiness? Are you kidding me?! How could I have not seen it? Because our society fully supports it. Think about when you see someone in nice clothes, driving an expensive car, a big diamond or a pricey watch. Your first impression is most likely "they're doing well for themselves" or "there is someone who has it all". It could very well be true that owners of any of these luxury items are happy. I absolutely believe that. I'm just saying it's not an indicator.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Be deliberately happy. Determine what you what want life to look like. How do you want to spend your time? With whom? What kind of experiences do want to have? How do you want people to experience you? Who would you like to help? What kind of person do you want to be? How will you communicate that to others? Once you have all of this squared away, then add the icing; the rings, the cars, the homes, etc. This way, you can be sure to have control of your happiness.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Here's to deliberate happiness during the holidays and beyond.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Cheers!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-68981902181460973072010-11-27T19:21:00.000-08:002010-11-27T20:23:25.561-08:00Is it Live or is it Memorex?<div style="text-align: justify;">I'm not actually old enough to remember these commercials, but someone told me about them *winks*. For those of you who don't know "Memorex" was a company that made cassette tapes. Their tag line, "is it live or is it Memorex?" was to give you the impression that the cassette sounded so good that if you closed your eyes, you couldn't tell if it was live or the tape.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">So, when it comes to matters of the heart, how do you know if it's real or if it seems that way in the moment, if it's "live" or "Memorex"? What is it that makes it feel "live"? Is it the way he/she makes you feel when you're with them, their ambition, their like of the same things you like, a similar upbringing, having come through a rough time together, time already invested, their philosophy on life, their want to please you, their potential, their position, their looks, time in (I'm naming as many as possible because I really want to you think about it), the way they dress, their swagger, their confidence, their possessiveness, their giving ways, their family, their lifestyle? Or is it their heart, the way you feel like you can tell them anything, the way they listen to you when you speak, the admiration they have for you as a human being, their acceptance of you just the way you are, the way they have your back, because they make you want to be better? </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">There may be one main reason you know or there may be several. When do you know that the what is "live"? In the beginning it could be the way they dress, your parallel goals, the potential of you all together, the fun you have and way your stomach flutters when you see them. However, with a closer look at a later date, you may realize that those reasons made it "Memorex". As you explore your own inner workings, you may find the need for a different connection. Or, you may find that it is, indeed, as live now as it was then.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">If you live in the land of make believe (LOMB), you will ignore the fact that it's Memorex and you'll go with it, pretending that it's real and satisfying. You will continue to talk yourself into believing that it is live; after all, wasn't it before? How could you have been wrong? If you live in the land of authenticity and truth (LOAT), you'll communicate with your significant other in hopes that they will be open to where you are and able to understand your current needs. This is when you know it's "live". Not because it was everything you thought it was, but because it is with one another that you can be your authentic self. And, you can do this without judgment and with the understanding that your ability to communicate and to meet each other in your respective places make is SO "live".</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I would never suggest that you throw caution to the wind, pick up your belongings and move out of LOMB if you find out that it's Memorex. It is a journey and sometimes not one people are willing to take. Having come from the LOMB, I would suggest that you begin the process by simply taking a look. You may decide once you look that Living in the Land of Make Believe is good enough; that the lifestyle, status and trappings it provides are worth the real estate you occupy. No judgment here. However, do it with your eyes open.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">When you take a look. . .is it "live" or is it "memorex"?</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Live Your Truth!</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-89983946303905965382010-11-21T00:44:00.000-08:002010-11-21T10:26:45.435-08:00Can You Cope?<div style="text-align: justify;">You wanted to go to college, but your parent(s) didn't have the money. You applied for a job, but didn't get it. You wanted to have children by now, but you don't and may not. You missed your flight. Your new venture didn't work out. You failed the bar exam. A close relative passed away. Your lie was made public. Your significant other left you.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: justify;">On the other hand it may be that, you have a job, you woke up this morning, you don't have cancer (fight like hell if you do!), your parents are still alive, you didn't die in that car accident, you had a good laugh today, you lost 20 pounds, you found a new love, you have great friend or, your favorite show comes on tonight. My point is that lots of good things are going on too.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">There are unlimited scenarios that could happen to us as we live this thing called "life". As much as we plan, hope, pray, meditate and believe, we never become immune to life's valleys. That's the bad news. The GREAT news is one, that there is always a bright side and two, you absolutely have a choice in how you respond in each an every situation. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Here's the thing. . . you can't do a damn thing about what happened. It's over. All you have right now is this moment to decide how to move forward. Have the emotion. Take time to be angry, disappointed, sad, etc. Express it. Go running, talk with a friend or therapist, cry your eyes out, punch a pillow until it pops open, sing loud in the shower, take a swim in a cold lake, get it out! Some might say that you can live life without ever being angry, disappointed, etc. I say good for them; however for most of us, the oppression of these feelings will come back to bite us in the rear; and in a variety of ways.</div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I've seen people fly off the handle because someone didn't hold the door for them, young women & men wreck the belongings of their lovers because they suspected them of cheating, go into a deep depression because things didn't go their way, never trust again because one person hurt them, depend on pills to keep them from hearing their own thoughts, and so on and so on. What happens? Why can't they cope?</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">It starts early when we don't get enough opportunities to process and communicate how we're feeling. Many people grow up with people telling them to "suck it up" or where they are always put into situations in order to succeed. Experiencing and getting through failure and difficulty is the key to learning how to cope. Picking yourself back up, acknowledging the failure and making a plan for your next move is a critical process to coping through life. It allows you to gain perspective. Yes, "it" was awful. Now what? </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">If it's a death, grieve and grieve hard. Commit to remembering the person for what they brought to your life and go forward so that it's not in vain. If it's a failed relationship, self reflect and take responsibility for your part in it. Yes, you could name all the things about him or her that you didn't like, made you feel bad, etc. Great! That will tell you what you don't want in the future. But what you really need to know is how will YOU approach it differently the next go around. If it's the tenth interview and you didn't get the job. Self reflect again, get a network of people and get some feedback. Don't tell them about all the stuff you're doing right and how you've tried your best. That's fine, but it didn't work, so you need a new strategy. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I think you get my point. Find a healthy way to recover. Don't give up, don't slash tires, don't start a fight, don't get depressed (sulk for a moment if you must, but then get up!), don't drink too much (you know your limits), just don't be unhealthy about your process.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Learn how to cope. Things are going to go wrong and things are going to go right. Rejoice in the good times and reflect and take healthy actions in the challenging ones.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Learn how to cope and continue to Live Your Truth!</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-18660679854188784692010-11-13T20:29:00.000-08:002010-11-13T21:33:11.315-08:00And Then I Looked Up<div align="justify">Then I looked up and I was teenager. I was almost out of high school, had plans of being a "big time" business woman with a company of my own. Pinstriped suits, fancy cars, and flights all over the world were on the menu. I was going to live in a big house, have children late (sometimes I thought I wouldn't have them at all and SO incredibly glad I changed my mind) and focus on my career.<br /><br />Then I looked up and I was in college. There, most young women (that I met) wanted to have a great career, get married, buy a house and have children. I still wanted to have a power career, now get married (possibly) and wait to have children; maybe not at all. I pledged Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Incorporated during my sophomore year, made great friends and enjoyed my time there. It was one of the most incredible and life changing times of my life. HIU. I love you!<br /><br />Then I looked up and I was at Temple University, where I finished my last year of college. My mother couldn't afford to let me finish at Hampton (although it is very much still my Alma Mater). I cried and cried that summer. For me Temple was like the first year of work rather than the last year of school. I was a commuter and given my resentment for having to leave Hampton, I refused to engage. As far as I was concerned, I graduated from Hampton and this was a formality.<br /><br />Then I looked up and I was out of school and working for Prudential Insurance Company in a financial role. Working 'til the wee hours of the morning and making great money. I was traveling around the country and abroad with friends; attending jazz festivals, NBA All Star games, movie premiers and everything in between. I was becoming and life was grand.<br /><br />Then I looked up and I had moved to Boston. I was still working in a financial capacity, had stopped traveling as much, was planning on getting married and having children (2 to be exact) and now looking forward to climbing the corporate latter. However, I also have a side business on personal brand (now called Evidently Assured).<br /><br />Then I looked up and I was married, working in corporate America (in Finance) and having a baby. I only traveled for work and my thoughts of running my company were not as present, but always remained in the back of my mind. I still ran Evidently Assured part-time. I ultimately had 2 beautiful boys (and they continue to be the joy of my life and little beacons of light), was married for 9 years, living middle class and becoming. . .but who?<br /><br />Then I looked up and I panicked. I didn't recognize myself. The dreams I had, though distant for many years, were surfacing fast and furious. I was a at a crossroads. By all accounts and for what many people hope for, I should have been happy. I had a great job, a great husband, 2 amazing children, a connected network of people and a supportive family. Why couldn't I just settle in? Because it wasn't completely authentic. I truly believe I was always meant to be a mother, a business owner, an inspiration through my life and an encourager, a traveler and a connector; the rest is still being written.<br /><br />Then I looked up and I was divorced, out of corporate America and running my brand and communications firm full time, mothering the loves of my life, traveling, reconnecting with my friends, meeting new and amazing people, exploring and discovering more of the authentic me that I've always known somewhere, but had forgotten. I was happy.<br /><br />Then I looked up and I was living my truth.<br /><br />PS. The point is to stay on the journey. Detours are fine. They are great teaching moments in life. Have no regrets. Don't run. Sit still and find out what's going on. The answer isn't always to leave the situation; no matter if it's work, community involvement or a romantic relationship. Live your truth!</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-31971443228680970712010-10-25T18:25:00.000-07:002010-10-25T20:36:39.368-07:00When the Fantasy is Over. . .Come Back Home<div align="justify">They (society) have created a fantasy world for us to believe in and chase after. I'm sure it's been in existence for a long time, but I first recognized it as the "Pepsi generation". While the "Pepsi Generation" campaign was about being youthful and active, it was the beginning of "lifestyle" marketing; where products & people were associated with a way of life. The flood gates were open. Products began one upping each other on the types of lifestyle that they were associated with. The message, if you buy our product then you too can be associated with this high quality lifestyle (and that we believe you should desire).<br /><br />Since the early 90s, our appetite for the "lifestyle" has increased significantly. The lifestyle has been presented in the form of thin wastes, large breasts, alcoholic beverages, iced out everything (including teeth), parties with pretty people, red carpets with famous people, problem free living, $200,000 cars and homes that could house a village. That is all so great and I mean it, for some.<br /><br />I'm actually a fan of a healthy dose of fantasy from to time. It's fun, it can help to balance the realities of life and can give you, what should be, a lighthearted outlet. However, be careful how much of the fantasy world you consume. You can over dose on it and become a slave to the desire for it or get depressed because haven't been able to achieve it; you buy into the message that those who live this life are truly "somebody".<br /><br />Here's the thing. . .behind the glitz and the glam and the love affairs and lipo, are the real lives of people, with everyday problems. Imagine how fortunate we are to be able to live our lives so privately; making our mistakes with only a few (relatively speaking) people getting wind of it; to be able to walk into the grocery store and not be mobbed by people expecting you to look every bit of perfect at 7:00am on a Saturday morning; to not have your every imperfection highlighted and talked about by people you don't even know (and then spread throughout the ether within minutes). Somehow it makes sense that the fantasy life is perpetuated because we're hungry for it and want to believe, even if for just a moment, that it's possible. Thank you to the sacrifice of your privacy, to those who give us those moments.<br /><br />So, enjoy the fantasy, but when it's over, come back home. Plan for your real life as defined by you, even put a piece of the fantasy in there, if you like. Know that perfection is not a human goal; the ultimate lifestyle (as seen on TV) does not really exist. Although, there is a great and powerful real life awaiting. Your ultimate fantasy as dreamed up by you.<br /><br />Live your truth!</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-3324124279782316402010-10-17T06:00:00.000-07:002010-10-17T22:55:33.463-07:00The Agenda<div align="justify">Agenda: things to be done, matters to be acted, a list. We are taught, at least in this country, to have one. What do you want to get done? How are you going to do it? And most importantly, who is going to help you to accomplish it? All great questions.<br /><br /><br />While I am a HUGE advocate, fan, and participator in networking, connecting and gathering; I am also a lover of people. I want to know their stories, passions, what makes them tick, how they get through hard times, what makes them laugh, and most importantly, how can I help? Well, I have learned, primarily in these last few years of life, that not everyone wants to help; some just want to have. It was a bit of a rude awakening (I know, I know, I was naive. . .I accept it!).<br /><br /><br />After getting the hint, I initially became very guarded with my information, connections, sharing, etc. However, it just made me feel a bit paranoid and not feel like me. So, I went back to my old ways of getting to know people for who they are. Now, I am NOT saying that I never think, when I hear someone mention something that I'm interested in, that people I meet can't help me in my journey. What I am saying, is that I believe you should get to know people for who they are and let the connections flow naturally.<br /><br /><br />Under this system, will some take and never give? Absolutely. Will you get back something every time you give? Nope. However, you will, most certainly reap the rewards. Some call it karma, reaping what you sow, what comes around, goes around and all the other sayings in between. What I'm saying, essentially is that I believe in getting to know people and I believe in serving first. It has proven to be a good method...and not just for me. Feel free to ask around.<br /><br /><br />Okay, so onto those who always walk around with an agenda. I've had very prosperous times in life and some not so prosperous. In the times where I was visible and appearing to have some prosperity, there were certain people who were always sure to call, check in, say hello if they saw me out, so on and so on. However, during the transition years (code for the really challenging times), I was off of the the "agenda". No calls came in and while they spoke when they saw me, there certainly were no offers for lunch, dinner, coffee or drinks. It was a little comical to me because one thing I know for sure is that the one thing that is constant is change. Any moment in your life is just that. . .a moment. AND by the way, the majority of us are just a situation away from hard times. It is by the grace of GOD (for my believers), hard work, right place & right time, etc. that you're not going through it (but then some of you reading this are going through right now - REMEMBER, it's just a moment in time.<br /><br />Don't live in the Land of Make Believe thinking that because you have it all buttoned up today, that those buttons won't come popping off like the cork off of a shaken <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">champagne</span> bottle. Consider yourself blessed (as I totally do) if times are good. Hold on until the next moment if you are in a difficult stretch.</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-40075722615031431962010-10-09T08:15:00.000-07:002010-10-09T10:54:38.497-07:00The "Haves"<div align="justify">They are the ones you look at and admire through your own personal success <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">lens</span>. Depending on who you are, they may be single, travel the world, run a company and good looking. They may be married with 2.5 kids, colonial style house with the white picket fence, a Tahoe and a dog. They may be an entertainer with the looks of Aphrodite or Adonis, great body and lots of the material possessions. They may be a famous athlete at the top of their game with the respect and adoration of a nation. No matter who they are, you're looking and sometimes wondering why your life can't look like theirs; why you can't "have" what they "have.<br /><br />Well, here's the thing. First, very rarely are things what they seem. Secondly, even when they are, it is senseless to set your sights on the lives of others. You have NO idea what the sacrifices were they made to get there or even if they are happy. The more time I spend on the entertainment scene, the more I see how much of a set up it is for the average <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">joe</span>. They are creating an image for us, because we've told them through ratings, twitter, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">facebook</span>, etc. that we want this. The problem is that many of us believe exactly what we see.<br /><br />Take a minute to come out of the Land of Make Believe, define your own goals for your own life. Trust me that what you see is not necessarily what you want from other's lives. There may components of it that you want. Incorporate those aspects into your journey, know the consequences that come with the dream and move out!<br /><br />Those who truly "have it all" have worked for it. To be clear, because it's my definition, having it all means fulfillment, purpose, resources, good relationships, work they enjoy, purpose, etc. If your definition is narrow and only includes monetary gain, then certainly you will always look at others who have it as the ones to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">emulate</span>. Be careful.<br /><br />Live your truth!</div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-26518234709557385222010-09-22T11:48:00.000-07:002010-09-22T18:27:46.420-07:00What Happened When I Stopped Pretending<div align="justify">Faith is a healthy way to believe that things will work out despite what it looks like. Fear of judgement is where the Land of Make Believe usually creeps in. I lived a long time, unfortunately, in the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">LOMB</span>. It began very young with expectations of me; which were all good by the way. However, I always felt that I had to live up to each one without having checked in with myself to see if it was authentic to me. For instance, people would say "Monica is so nice", "Look at all that long pretty hair", "You're so good at math, you should major in finance", "when are you getting married", "how do you keep it all together", "you're so strong" and so on and so on and so on.<br /><br />My response was to always be nice and hide my emotions, never cut my hair, make sure my math grades stayed up to snuff, majored in finance (despite my dislike for finance as a career), get married, always keep it all together and under no circumstances show weakness. Here's the thing. . .it is absolutely exhausting to be all that everyone wants and what I thought they needed me to be. The funny thing is I later found out that what people actually needed from me was to see that I was a real human being with feelings, emotions, reactions, etc.; to know that I too experienced life's hardships. And what they really wanted to know is how I handled them without falling apart.<br /><br />I didn't know any of this until I sold my lovely glass house in the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">LOMB</span>, took the blue pill and moved to a better suited neighborhood for me in the Land of Authenticity and Truth (<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">LOAT</span>). To prepare, I had to :</div><ul><br /><li>Spend a lot of time praying, thinking, processing, pulling apart, putting back together, pulling apart again, understanding, <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">grieving</span>, looking, etc. at everything related to Monica D. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Hairston</span> (before marriage) and now Monica D. Cost (after marriage). I to understand, who I was then, now and who I wanted to be. After years of unintentional programming from my mother, teachers, society, media, etc., it was a difficult process to get back to me and just me.<br /></li><li>Develop a deeper relationship with God, separate from any mentors, spiritual advisors, pastors and friends. I needed to hear His voice so clearly for myself. It's very easy to think that every word is for you and it isn't. I understand that He loves me so dearly. Any kinks and quirks that He would like to work out, He will in His time. If you have any issues with my life or my choices (and I haven't specifically asked you for your feedback or they aren't detrimental to my health or well being), please take them up directly with God. If He agrees, he will make the necessary adjustments. Thank you for your cooperation :).</li><br /><li>End a 9 year relationship with a wonderful man and AMAZING father who should actually write his own blog/book on fatherhood. I can't say enough about this man's commitment, participation and love for his children. He would actually be upset reading this b/c to him, it's normal; however, we know in many cases, it isn't. I always envision being his publicist, but that might be too much. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">LOL</span>! I digress</li><br /><li>Quit my corporate job and start my own business - I've always been an entrepreneur at heart. As long as I can remember, I've had a side hustle. Now it is my full time hustle :). Not everyone is meant to be a business owner. Know yourself. I HATE routine. I love for everyday to offer new possibilities and to be able to be the architect of each day. That's just me. It's not for everyone. </li><br /><li>Learn to cry when it is warranted - alone first and then with others, I'm still working on this. I may have some as far as I'm going to, but since this is my truth, it's okay :) I'm just not a big crier.</li><br /><li>Share some of my challenges and how I'm coping - this is so others can know that every hardship is a moment in time, not the scope of your entire life. My mother taught me that and I'm really good at putting things in perspective. Thanks Mommy! </li><br /><li>Stop feeling a need to go to every single thing I was invited to - I'm a working mom with many responsibilities. I will certainly not be missed at every event.<br /></li><li>Give the people who care about me (and can handle it) some version of the truth when they ask "how are you?" Given my role as "strong tower", I often felt compelled to keep my challenges to myself for fear that any hint of that would question my strength (God forbid :)).<br /></li><li>Not be afraid to utilize my network for support when needed</li></ul><p>It has been quite the journey from <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">LOMB (land of make believe)</span> to <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-error">LOAT (land of authenticity & truth)</span>. I am still realizing, analyzing understanding and growing. So far, I love who I am at the core. As we all do, I have areas that I am working on. My hope is that the people that are in my life and that continue to come in, will support my journey. </p><p>This journey I'm on is for the good of others. No more pretending.</p><p>I would love to hear your thoughts.</p><p>Live your truth,</p><p>Monica</p><p><br /><br /></p><p></p>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-65739284202550882512010-09-06T23:30:00.001-07:002010-09-07T19:52:10.684-07:00Why We May Not Like the Truth<div align="justify">Truth: being in accord with a particular fact or reality. Are you in truth? </div><p align="justify">There are many truths about ourselves and situations that may be hard to face for many reasons. Facing them may make us feel like we are, less than, not intelligent, unaccomplished, terrible parents, not talented, bad friends, inadequate, not important and the list goes on. Recognizing them may also lead us to believe that others are aware of and judging us for those truths.</p><p align="justify">Why do we tell ourselves that we're doing a great job when we're not, more influential than we really are, have more money than we really have, haven't gained weight when we have, influence more people than we really do? There are many reasons. Some have to do with expectations from childhood, insecurities, fear of being judged, etc. </p><p align="justify">Whatever the reason, facing these truths can be a liberating and life changing moment. For what is true today does not have to be true forever. Don't deny your trutch. Look at it, face it and make the necessary adjustments to move into a place of living YOUR truth. Don't let society, that has been set up to reward those who appear to have it all together, be smarter, be quicker, have more, etc., make you try to live in someonelse's truth.</p><p align="justify">Get out of Living in the Land of Make Believe. </p><p align="justify">Live your truth!</p>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-88292979272654490792010-08-14T20:58:00.000-07:002010-08-15T00:21:11.298-07:00Peek-A-Boo<div align="justify">Peek-a-boo, I see you! That is the message from your <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">subconcious</span> mind letting your <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">concious</span> mind know that it knows the truth. There are times when we tell ourselves untruths to get through things, behave badly when we know we shouldn't or simply make a bad choice. Our <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">concious</span> mind rationalizes the thoughts or behavior. We say ""It's okay because. . .(you fill in the blank)". </div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Here's the thing. . . the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">subconcious</span> (and I know you hear it), knows when you are not in line with your authentic self. When the inner spirit yells peek-a-boo too loudly, we sometimes take refuge in staying busy, medication, drinking excessively, or acting out in some other unhealthy fashion that will quiet the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">subconcious</span> and let us live happily in the Land of Make Believe. It is the ultimate struggle between self and situation. We all go through it in some form or fashion. </div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">It is not anything that we should deny or be ashamed of, but rather something to recognize in the moment. There will certainly be times when you need to stay in the Land of Make Believe until the dust settles and you can face things head on. Sometimes it is helpful to live there on one truth so that you can face the another one. For example, you are very unhappy in your job (you live in <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">LOMB</span> saying that you are happy) and you have a lot debt (this is where you're going to face things head on).</div><br />In these moments, the decision is weighted more heavily on the situation and its outcome, rather than being true to your authentic self; for fear of what it might look like. In the short run it may work, people may buy it, but your subconscious definitely won't.<br /><br />Ultimately, the goal is honesty with yourself; when you conscious and subconscious minds are in sync.<br /><br />Live authentically,<br /><br />MonicaMonica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-32944112994933426422010-08-10T08:05:00.000-07:002010-08-15T06:48:50.379-07:00What to do with "IT"As difficult as facing the truth may be, I believe that it is a necessary step to a healthy and fulfilled life. The Land of Make Believe is a safe place, and also a place that crumbles over time. I must admit, people are extremely creative in finding ways to keep the Land in tact. They stay busy, self reflect NEVER, they take prozac, paxil and other medications to stay (I do recognize that some people need these medications for real reasons that are caused by chemical inbalances. . not talking to you). They will not go without a fight. Why?<br /><br />What would happen if you realized that what you wanted to believe wasn't actually the truth. You've gained weight, your spouse hasn't been interested, you do hate your job, you don't want to major in pre-law, you are broke (for now)? All of these are moments in time. They don't have to remain, but even if they do. So what? Are you less of a giving, kind, ambitious, intellectual, saavy individual? Of course not.<br /><br />Now, what I think it means, is that there is room for communication; with yourself and others in the situation. If you are in a relationship where the connectivity has faded or is non-existant; I say TALK ABOUT IT! What happened? How did we get here? What would help? It will be tough, but on the otherside is understanding, truth and the ability to make your choices with all of the information.<br /><br />If you are in a job that you hate; what does that mean? More communication; with yourself, your mentors, your friends and (dare I even say it), with someon in your company. I'm not suggesting you run right in to your bossess office and confess that you hate your job and can't wait to get out. However, you can begin discussions (after understanding a bit more about yourself, what you want out of your life, job, etc. and having fully thought it through) with key people that will help you to get out of the Land of Make Believe. Sometimes, we stay because of money, presitge, what other people think, etc. Whose life is this any way? Still love Will Smith's quote about spending money to buy things you can't afford, to impress people you don't even like. . . .and I would add and who could care less in the long run about what you're up to.<br /><br />We'll be continuing our discussions on Truth and Authenticity. For now, go the "IT" that you have in the Land of Make Believe where you reside and begin with some self reflection on the matter. Be honest with yourself; not just about how you feel (because feelings come and go), but what causes you to feel that way. Emotions and feelilngs are not always a cause for immediate action. We must understand why.<br /><br />Until next time. . .Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-51114937830996402232010-08-08T08:12:00.000-07:002010-08-08T08:55:01.046-07:00The Labels<div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Once we decide that something is, we use only that information that confirms our vision to move forward. We do it when it comes to our potential mates, careers, majors in school, children's progress, and other situations that I'm sure you can name. Brafman & Brafman say in the book Sway, that "Once you get a label in mind, you don't notice things that don't fit within the categories that do make a difference".</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span> </div><div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Let's talk about a few situations where this might happen. You've grown up thinking that you were going to be a famous writer, encouraged by your teachers, parents and family friends. Why? Because you've always been so good at literature and writing. Well, it seems reasonable to you given that you have done well in writing and the word "famous" certainly appeals to you. It's now time for college and you major in journalism and minor in literature. Things are going great.</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span> </div><div align="justify"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Time to find a job. You do; at a one of the leading newspapers in Chicago. Life is great! . . .until you realize that the job requires you to talk to people all the time, attend many events off hours and is very cut throat. Hmmm. You think, is this what I signed up for? Is this really on the way to my dream life? Yes, you think, remembering the "great job" label that you and others gave to it in the beginning.</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span> </div><div align="justify"><span style="font-family:Verdana;">Well, the truth may be that you are primarily and introverted person (meaning you get your energy from being alone) who enjoys one on one time with people, spending evenings with family and friends and actually prefer solving problems everyday over writing. What can you do? Re-evaluate your definition of good job based upon your desired life, not LABELS.</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span> </div><div align="justify"><span style="font-family:Verdana;">More to come. Stay tuned. . .</span></div>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2730112214998577432.post-83194794286325139742009-06-12T20:11:00.001-07:002010-08-07T19:51:42.319-07:00Out of Living in the Land of Make Believe Volume 1<span style="font-family:verdana;">Where is the Land of Make Believe (LOMB)? It's where you make believe about certain things in your life, ranging from work to relationships, finances to your children, weight to religion, your attitude to your aptitude. Why do I care about it? Because I lived there for so long and I'm now experiencing the freedom of moving to the Land of Exploration, Truth and My Expectations (LETME be me)<br /><br />When I was younger, I did so many things because I was expected to. I got good grades, behaved well, didn't have sex, majored in Finance and more. Why? Because of the expectations that were placed upon me. Now, don't get me wrong, most of the expectations placed upon me contributed to the wonderful life I live now. I respect people, have consideration for others, care for those in need, love my family and friends so deeply, take the initiative, speak up when it's not popular, among other positive characteristics is because I was expected and taught to do so and I am grateful.<br /><br />The problems arise when we don't begin to live into our own expectations of ourselves and our lives. The result is that we are constantly saying and doing things to stay in line with what other people want from us or what we believe they want. These expectations can be established by society, family members, friends, teachers, the media and others.<br /><br />There are certainly some personality types, but I assure you not many, who defy this. They are always living on their own terms. This can also be a form of the Land of Make Believe. Here, these people can be so determined not to do what others expect of them that they become isolated or sometimes socially unacceptable.<br /><br />The goal here is to strike a balance. Will Smith said so eloquently when he said, "Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like." This is an act of those who live in the LOMB.<br /><br />What we want to do with "Out of Living in the Land of Make Believe" is to move people to a place of accepted truth. Your truth.<br /><br />The first step is to understand the areas where you may be living in the LOMB. The second step is to reflect on why you care so much about protecting the facade. The third step is to think about what it means to you to let go and move out of LOMB.<br /><br />I hope that you will share your stories here. We want to hear about the areas where you live in LOMB, what if anything you plan on doing about it, why you do it, if you used to and now don't, and so on and so on and so on.<br /><br />Sometimes the journey to the LOMB can be subtle. It begins with a parent praising a look, a characteristic or quality, a teacher making you the their pet, classmates bragging about the clothes you wear, your inner circle's expectations and more. The media provides a short cut to the LOMB with images, commercials, articles, etc. How many times do you need to hear about lifestyles, clothing, weight loss, good jobs, the perfect match, etc.?<br /><br />I have gone AWOL from LOMB and you can too. I'm happy to introduce Out of Living in the Land of Make Believe for all who have journied there, those that are on their way and those who have left. Make your journey your own. There is peace here. <strong>LOMB to LETME</strong>.</span>Monica Costhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16753137969075694970noreply@blogger.com0